wordless wednesday [3] i do

out of the blue

1. I just remembered I have this blog I can write to. Especially in times like this, my emo-elmo state :)

2. I miss my Bebeeps. So very much. Not that its the first time he's away from me, since the fact that I spend half of the week with him in Shah Alam, and the rest in Seremban. Yeps, every single week. But this time it feels sooooo different. He's currently with his diving buds in Puerto Galera. It has been so long since he went to one, and yet this time Im so not into travelling long hours, or getting into bumpy rides with the strong currents, so yeps, here I am being so pathetic counting days for him to be home.

3. Oh yes, Bebeeps is my husband anyway :) got married last April, am proudly a wife to a very great man now alhamdulillah thank u Allah :) quick updates, both nikah n bride's reception at home sweet home in Pengkalan Chepa while groom's reception was at Dewan Cattleya or now known as Dewan Orkid (i think!), in Shah Alam.

4. And oh oh, I have a little me (& Bebeeps), alive and kicking inside. Again, alhamdulillah :) 21 weeks to date, and doctor hasnt confirmed whether its a he or she yet. Tho instinct keeps on telling to go shop for pink stuffs already. Well, next checkup would tell, insyaAllah. 

5. Cant wait to fetch you home this Wednesday, Bebeeps! Good night!

wordless wednesday [1] as the bell rings

greys anatomy quote 2

"I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old, in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime."
Derek Shepherd, Greys Anatomy

Yes. I want to marry you, have kids with you. I want us to build a house together. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when im 110 years old in your arms. I dont want these 10 interrupted hours at the office. I want a lifetime.

Thank you for being there. Thank you for everything.

XOXO.

happy birthday

the day is here again

and it has been 7 times now without u

i miss u mak

all of us do

if u should know, i could still remember how u smell

and yes, we still keep ur perfume in ur crystal cabinet

we only use it during raya

so we could feel that ur there with us

may u rest in peace mak

may we meet again in that eternal bliss

insyaAllah

happy birthday mak

missing u a thousand times more now

with all the love in the world

hugs and kisses

alfatihah

greys anatomy quote 1

"You can waste your time drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them"
Meredith Grey, Greys Anatomy

Everyday, we make decisions. Whether to step or not to. Whether to run or not to. Whether to eat alot and regret or maintain a healthy diet. Whether to sleep early or late. Whether we realise it or not, we do make alot of decisions a day. And as an ordinary creature, we tend to draw lines in making decisions. Well drawing lines is of course a good practice so we dont go overboard in certain things. But people sometimes draw too big a line that they cant even live their lives. This is when drawing lines is good but only to some extent.

Lets say for instance, in relationship. You love that someone yet you are scared to say it out loud. Maybe for the sake of your friendship. Or maybe to avoid self embarrassment? Or you are just not ready to be rejected and heartbroken. But your heart keeps on pushing you to just go for it. Call him! Text him! Make surprises! Sometimes we think too much of little things like this. You greet him first, he thinks you're friendly, you sit next to him, he thinks you like him. You say you like him, he thinks you're too easy. You say you hate him, he thinks you’re arrogant. You express your love, he thinks you're cheap. With all those in mind, things will eventually get complicated when they are actually not.

You can keep on drawing lines, but sometimes you have to try crossing them. You wont know how sweet the sugar is if you don’t taste any. You have to get yourself drowned a few times before you can start swimming. Well at least I have crossed mine. Quite a few times actually. Sometimes both ways. Regrets and stupid moments, they passed. Enjoying life, that’s exactly what I am doing.

Don’t think too much. Your life your way, after all you’re the one driving it. Follow your heart, pursue your dreams. Just go! Seriously.

Cross the line.

vanilla twilight

the song already speaks for itself
something for you to ponder upon
vanilla twilight by owl city

the stars lean down to kiss you

and i lie awake and miss you

pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

cos i'll doze off safe and soundly

but i'll miss your arms around me

i'd send a postcard to you, dear

cos i wish you were here

i'll watch the night turn light blue

but it's not the same without you

because it takes two to whisper quietly

the silence isn't so bad

till i look at my hands and feel sad

cos the spaces between my fingers

are right where yours fit perfectly

i'll find repose in new ways

though i haven't slept in two days

cos cold nostalgia chills me to the bone

but drenched in vanilla twilight

i'll sit on the front porch all night

waist deep in thought because when i think of you

i don't feel so alone

i don't feel so alone

i don't feel so alone

as many times as i blink i'll think of you.. tonight

i'll think of you tonight

when violet eyes get brighter

and heavy wings grow lighter

i'll taste the sky and feel alive again

and i'll forget the world that i knew

but i swear i won't forget you

oh if my voice could reach back through the past

i'd whisper in your ear

oh darling i wish you were here

i..

am sorry that i hurt you
that i said things i shouldnt have

am sorry that i broke your heart
it must have shattered into pieces
i wished i could pick and stick them back together
i wished i could mend everything
as a start is ofcourse my ownself

am sorry i havent been thankful
some people do not appreciate what they have until they lose them
and im one of those people
and im sorry for that too

am sorry i havent been myself for the past few weeks
something bad must have gone into me
that i did things i have done

i know i havent said enough
but im really sorry
i heart you i really really do

right up right up

fill my little world - the feeling

i had a dream we went away, left this city for a day
u took me southwards on a plane and showed me spain or somewhere
but in reality ur not so keen to show me anything
and i thought u like me

hey, show some love, u ain't so tough
come fill my little world right up, right up
someday ur going to realize, i want u to
to fill my little world right up, right up, right up

so what you gonna do with all this stuff
piling up, filling up and taking up, my little
u misunderstand me, all i wanted was some evidence
that u really like me

hey, show some love, u ain't so tough
come fill my little world right up, right up
someday ur going to realize, i want u to
to fill my little world right up, right up, right up

maybe it's all too much, how come we're so messed up
maybe i'm not enough, maybe i'm just too much

hey, show some love, u ain't so tough
come fill my little world right up

hey, show some love, u ain't so tough
come fill my little world right up, right up
someday ur going to realize, i want u to
to fill my little world right up, right up, right up

hey, show some love, u ain't so tough
come fill my little world right up, right up
someday ur going to realize
that i'm passing u by, so fill your little world right up, right up, right up

come on and show, come on and show
come on and show, come on and show
come on and show, come on and show
come on and show, come on and show

twenty seven

abang is still in that far far away land
but he's coming back very very soon and im really excited
quickkk big bratha really i cant wait

and today abang turns twenty seven
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABANG!

much love.

one two three

today is july the 13th
three years back, mama safely delivered this very cutie pie

which has now turns into a very notty notty boy
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FARIS!

yuyu miss u soooo mucchh
hugs.

what i want

i want you to want me
10 things i hate about you

i want you to want me
i need you to need me
i'd love you to love me
i'm beggin' you to beg me
i'll shine up my old brown shoes
put on a brand new shirt
get home early from work
if you say that you love me

didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'
oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'
feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dying
oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'

i want you to want me
i need you to need me
i'd love you to love me
i'm beggin' you to beg me
i'll shine up my old brown shoes
put on a brand new shirt
get home early from work
if you say that you love me

didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'
oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'
feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dying
oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'
feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dying
oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'

i want you to want me
i need you to need me
i'd love you to love me
i'm beggin' you to beg me
i want you to want me
i want you to want me
i want you to want me
i want you to want me

grey sky

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine

you make me happy, when skies are grey

you never know dear, how much i love you

please dont take my sunshine away

when lovely sister turns 30

taken from kakjulie's facebook post
1st july 2010

my birthday is no more my happy day..
Today at 2:39am

1st july 2004 was my 24th bday.. i was carrying Aisya inside me at 6.5mths.. it wasn't really a happy day, but i pretend to be cheerful..

that morning, since it was my birthday, i wanted to cook bubur kacang, as i never did that before. i asked mak to tell me the steps. while i was cooking, i saw mak wasn't looking usual. she was not as cheerful as the previous days.

i finished cooking my 1st bubur kacang ever. but i didn't taste it. i went back to be with mak. she was on steroid for 5 days already. but that morning, steroid wasn't working for her anymore. she started to frown, fighting back her headache.

i feed mak with nasi tumpang, a special breakfast you can find in Kelantan. she ate little. i knew she was not feeling well. she said she wanted to lie down. i was with her all the time.

during lunch, mak doesn't have the appetite to eat anything, eventhough she asked for ikan keli goreng cili. while we were having lunch. i heard mak vomitted. i ran to her and helped her. i started to cry but tried not to let her see me. i knew she was suffering from her headache. i asked her to eat something and she agreed. i fed her biskut cream krakers and nescafe O. that's all she could afford.

since streroid could not held anymore, i went to the hospital to ask for another meds. mak's doctor gave us morphin, much stronger drugs. she had it but her body could not tolerate. she vomitted again and again. when i was doing my Asar, i cried endlessly. my telekung was soaked. but i never showed my sad feeling to her. i dont want her to feel worse.

after isyak, she told me she couldn't hold the pain anymore. she wanted to go to the hospital so that doctor could do something. i couldn't hold my tears anymore. we called the ambulance and off she went to the hospital. she was admitted.

4th of July, at 4am, she passed away in her sleep. Allah loves her more. we can accept the fact. we are destined to have a very lovely, caring, superb mum, but just for a while.. we are still grateful, aren't we? because we still cherish our mum although she was no more with us.. and we will always talk about her, what she loved and what she liked to do..

al-fatihah to mak.. may you rest in peace, may we meet in heaven.. and you know mak, i never tasted my 1st bubur kacang, because it was so tasteless just like my feeling..

to kakjulie, happy birthday.

since then, u have no idea how precious u are to me.

thank u for being u.

much love.

when my fossil says 11.56pm

*treeeet trreeeettt..treeet trreeeeetttttt*

Yuyu: Hello??
Icha: Hi Yuyuuuuu

Yuyu: Ehhh kakakkkk, hiii lame nye x call yuyu, how are you kakak?
Icha: Papaaaa papa, how are you?
Papa: Isshhh lupa lagi ke, im fineeeee thank youuuu *nada geram*
Icha: *giggling* heheee..yuyuu im fineee thank youuu
Yuyu: Hahahahaa lucu la kakak ni

Yuyu: Kakak kakak, bila kakak nak balik sini?
Icha: September
Yuyu: Kakak tak rindu yuyu ke?
Icha: Hihii.. rinduuuuu
Yuyu: Kakak best tak duduk sane? Kakak suka tak?
Icha: Ermmm tak, kakak tak suke
Yuyu: Kenapa kakak?
Icha: Sejukkkk kakak tak suka
Yuyu: Ooooo ye ke, ok ok. kakak tadi makan ape?
Icha: Ermmm.. nasik
Yuyu: Sape masak? Papa ke?
Icha: Tak, mama yang masak
Yuyu: Hahaaa okay. kakak cepat la balik k, yuyu rinnnndu sangat2 kat kakak. Kakak bagi fon kat faris kejap
Icha: Okaayyyyy

Faris: Helloooo
Yuyu: Adeeekkkk ni yuyu niii
Faris: Yuuuuuuyuu
Yuyu: Adek makan nasik ek tadi?
Faris: Nasyikkkk
Yuyu: Adek bila nak balek ni? Yuyu rindu la kat adekkkk
Faris: Okayyy
Yuyu: Hahahaha..adek panggil mama dek
Faris: Mama Papa Kakak Adekkkk Mama Mama Maamaaaa
Yuyu: Hahahaa panggil mama laaa, bagi fon kat mama
Faris: Mamaaa mamaa mamaa mama
(..and still holding the fon)

oh dear God i miss these two lil creatures of yours

aint they just lovelyyy

to mama and papa,
yes ive felt homesick many many times before

especially when i was thrown away to seremban when i was 13, eh noo still 12 at that time

and again when i went to gopeng for matrix

and to banting for my i.b

but not when i went to southampton though *hehehee well of course ;p*

and here i am in shah alam at the moment

yes..physically very close to our home sweet home

but this is the most horrible painful (cucuk2 okayyy) homesick ive ever felt

uuwaaaaaaaaaaaa

so quicckkkkk come home!

x pun post je aisya and faris to me and pay me monthly hahaha

eh ehh Yuyu pun lovely jugaaakkkk hahaha ;p
love you!

the time of the year

yes it is, the most-awaited time of the year
..summer!

believe it or not, four freaking years has passed

and i am home for good now, alhamdulillah :)

some friends already started work by now
so i officially declare myself a penganggur lah for the time-being
kakjulie is leaving for UK in one month time
so i have so lil time to spend with my 2 lil sweethearts
sobs sobsss :(

oh oh managed to kidnap my sweetie peachy pear last week
*finally pear! aku rindu ko gells tauuuuuu!!*

we went to the cosiest gossip spot

and bb was really sweet when he patiently wandered around since the ladies were busy with the talking

climax was when we had our nasi lemak *****!
haha our dearest ayna will bite our asses off if she sees this ;p

its half past two in the morning and i'd better head for bed now
or else i would miss my sahur and starve
toodles!

oh oh btw how can i stop loving these two adorable kesayangans

*hugs :)*

big city dreams

big city dreams
by never shout never
:)

mama Julie

yes, the picture says it all
congrats mama im so proud of u :)
*best nyeeeeeeeeee!!*

but then since ur email this morning sister, u kept me thinking

do i go home and work?
do i stay and work here instead?
*like anyone wants to hire me*
may be i can stay and babysit my icha and faris for you? ;p
or can i stay here with you yet menganggur?
*but i dont have enough funds for this*

oh i just realized there are more "staying" options than going home
oh god i dont know :(
but really the idea of going home is so great
finally, for good
i get to hang out with my girlfriends, good food, late nite movies,
food again, new environments, mamak malam-malam, home sweet home,
and then of course its the food again :)

but ma..
i dont wanna stay in KL when there's no you
i just cant imagine i cant even think of that

:(

dear Mak

dear Mak,

there are so many things i would like to tell you
there are so many things i would like to share
there are so many things i would like to give you
but i realize you are no more there

though it has been four years plus now
i still couldnt face the fact that you are gone forever
becos really, i could still feel you by my side
only when i feel like talking to you, i feel like calling you
then the reality comes and cuts me deep inside
you are zillion miles away

happy mothers day Mak
thank you for everything that you have done
you were my most precious, and still are

al-fatihah..

with love, uwu